Movie Review: The Omen (remake)

The Omen (The remake)
(Watch at your own risk)

What a boring piece of shit, remake this was. You know, I'm not even sure if I like the original one either. It's just fucking stupid. If it wasn't for a few text messages I received, I would have fallen asleep. And now that I sit here writing this I wish I had. You all know how the story goes so I won't hinder you with that small time line, like my other reviews. It's not scary, nor was it suspenseful or thriller like in anyway. Why did they remake this? Oh...That's right to make another dollar on a story that's already been told, because Hollywood is to lazy and non-creative to think up something on their own. Maybe all the actors needed jobs because they were hurting for money. Their agents had to throw them somewhere. They all sucked, all of them. The whole movie was just a fucking waste of time and should've never been made. Julia Stiles, yeah, you know that girl from Save the Last Dance the one that looks like a cat or some kind of feline. She couldn't act her way out of wet paper bag. Truly horrible...

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Movie Review: Jackass II

Jack Ass II
**** and 2 thumbs way up!


This is one of the better movies I..ve seen in a very long time or this year. The boys of Jack Ass have out done themselves. Much better than the first one. From drinking horse sperm to getting caught in a horse trailer with a cobra. I laughed, I cried a little, (from laughing so hard) and almost threw up a little bit in my mouth. I saw it at the lovely theater were they serve beer and food. The combo of both drinking a liquid, eating a starchy substances and watching Steve O dribble vomit into a fart helmet and Party-Boy take a fine sip of stallion jizz was enough for me to almost throw up and at the same time praise these guys and their movie. Hailing it with a great sense of joy. A joy that I wasn..t the one getting hurt. A joy that I was out with some friends who also enjoyed it and felt the same way, it felt like I was doing something, helping society in someway. And finally a joy of watching these fucks hurt themselves for the almighty $, truly brilliant.
I know it may not be playing anymore but buy the dvd up when it comes out. Buy it! I would imagine it will contain much shit that they couldn..t show in the big screened halls that we go to. This is a must have for any collection.

Movie Review: Blood Beach

BLOOD BEACH
Maybe a ½ a star

(Warning: Before you read on..... plot ruiners and its actually more like a quick re-tell of the movie, than a real review. Although I tell you what I think, whats shitty and what works. I had to explain this movie to you before you might have gone out and wasted money on it.)

Now on most rainy days Id sit in the dark and look at porn all night. Trying very hard to picture myself inside my computer. But not on this night! No, I picked up a movie at home instead. Now I hadnt seen this movie in years and its almost as old as I am. Its about 26yrs old. I dont think you could find it anywhere out there except maybe on the net. Many of you probably have not seen it so thats why put the disclaimer up before hand. The cover kinda of looks like a late 70's porn title except for the hot chick getting sucked underneath the sandy beaches of southern CALIFORNIA, by some unknown thingy. This movie was supposed to be the JAWS of the beaches. Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water you cant even get to it. A little quote from the cover. Pretty cool huh? So feeling kinda of lonely, I jumped off the computer and ran to my movie rack and found this forgotten treat.

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Movie Review: The Convenant

Now we all love movies right? Who doesnt? Its part of being human. Ive been thinking lately about using this space to shoot off a blab here and there on what I think about movies from the past, present and the future. I will say what I think and give my rating of the movies. And if you dont like it, then you can respond back to me or go fuck off! Now here goes.......My first movie review.


The Covenant
1 Star

I know what youre thinking.... Walker, this movie has been out for some time now, what took so long? Well it was a matter of finding someone who was brave of enough to go with me and plus The Wicker Man was not playing that night, that was the movie that I really wanted to see. Nick Cage is the man.........
So after much searching I found someone. We went to a place that not only plays the movie it also serves food and beer, a great combo and boy we were gonna need it.

I could describe this movie maybe in one sentence. Im going to try to go further, but well see. You dont even need to buy a movie ticket. All you need is some gas, a car of some sort and about three other friends of yours. Now go to your local mall. Once youre there find the Abercrombie and Fitch store and walk in. Look around, take in the sights. Listen to the loud horrible music. The ripped jeans on the selves that cost like $90 just to look at. Look at all the giant life sized pictures of better looking people than you, having fun in places that youll never be at. Talk to some of the patrons and employees, get their take on why theyre better than you and why they shop and work there. After the long trek through its high priced walls, you should have soaked up the lifestyle of the beautiful people. (Keep those thoughts in your head) now exit and right across the way is Hot Topic. You might have been here before as a joke or something but come on, go on in its cool. After the creepy looking iron gates its not so bad. Youre going to hear some more really loud, really horrible music. Take a look around. The shitty band shirts, the shitty clothes that cost almost as much as the other store you were just in. Soak in the atmosphere. Ask some of the shoppers, why so glum? Why so down? Find out why theyre here. After a small wafer of depression comes forth, from their pale vessel, take a step back and head your way to rear of the store and look for books on tarot cards, the occult and witches. Once in your grasp run over the pages with your hands. Get a good feel of the book, like you might be casting your first spell. Look at the pages get an idea of what these people went through, the horrors they endured. Make sure to note all of the fairies and that fucking, fuck from the Nightmare before X-mas that are sprawled on the covers and within some of the pages of theses ancient tomes.

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